While making it more difficult to overcome, it also colors the patient’s view of his/her own physical illness. To be honest I always took on other people’s emotions, I always had a tough time setting emotional boundaries.
This time it has come sooner, and I am glad.
I’ve always walked out of a space that didn’t seem good to my emotional health. That said, I am glad it did, a number of the times that decision of walking out has come late. This is where it starts getting really interesting. I was drained of energy and happiness any time I did that.
Seeing my truth on paper was the ultimate sort of validation for me.
I no longer needed to be perfect.
I gave myself permission to be authentic and honored every feeling that came up. That’s a dangerous and unrealistic expectation and people can’t and won’t live up to it, you unconsciously put very much pressure on other people to fill your emptiness. Then, I’m starting to realize that I can’t be responsible for your happiness and healing, I do seek for you to be happy. Just keep reading! They start to resent you for it. With that said, the fact that your advice makes me feel all twisted and uncomfortable inside probably means that instinctively I know should be. Learning to Love and Let Go.
Whenever choosing to see and create life through the lens of love, even more than a writer, she strives to be an active agent of creation.
Alana Mbanza is a freelance writer and the author ofLoveSick.
Visit herwebsitefor more information about her freelance writing and coaching services. Lacking loads of the skills you’ve demonstrated here, I’ve often stormed off. Normally, so that’s an useful article to make sure to offer loving kindness to the most difficult person during my life. Unconsciously, my mother fed this belief when she constantly bragged to others that I was the perfect daughter.
Now look, the pressure to live up to my mother’s expectations overwhelmed me.I suppressed a bunch of negative feelings and experiences in favor of upholding the ideal she and I had ‘co created’.
You live with her, right?
Regardless of what she or anyone else says, you are just fine as you are. That sounds really confusing and very hard. Notice that my impression from what you are saying is that you are taking your Mom´s ideas about you to heart. Remember, who she thinks you are isn’t your personality -and it seems like what she is saying may have more to do with her than with you. To be honest I could never understand why my mommy was sad now and then, as a young child. Basically, I cherished the rare days she was carefree and silly and held these moments close to my heart. Also, sleeping days at a time in her dark room, Actually I willed her to come out, when she slipped into a depressive state. At 54, I’ve tried everything I can to maintain a relationship with my aging mother.
To ask that question indicates that you didn’t have a mother that traumatized you.
You are conditioned to shut up and stuff your feelings as long as being honest comes with a cost, when you are raised with a mother who scared the life out of you.
Therapy, letters, distance, and she’s pulling out all the stops. And now here is the question. Why wasn’t I honest with her about my feelings at a younger age? So, I set boundaries and go right back to our old patterns.
Am I blaming her for these things?
Costs like debilitating anxiety that paralyzes me for days -a career that has almost dried up before my eyes, my ‘self esteem’ in the toilet.
Shame on me? As far as I’m concerned, the parent shoulders a bit more of the responsibility simply being that they are the PARENT, the mother who commented on this post may not agree. Her’s for manipulating the relationship and punishing me for having the audacity to stand up to her bullying. Shame on her for making a game out of taking my power back all over again. I got soft over and over, even after cutting her off for 6 months! Some info can be found easily on the web. Maybe. Mine for not maintaining the precious ground that I slowly gained standing up to her. I’d say it’s BOTH our responsibility. Today, I actually realized the cost of NOT being honest was greater than the cost of BEING honest. Anyways, your timing couldn’t been more perfect.
I just started therapy, and that’s exactly the huge problem we’re working on, and these circumstance mirror my situation so closely that I am stunned.
I’m grateful for this.
Thank you for sharing this and for making me feel less alone in my struggles. It’s so amazingly the case with my life. Besides, the longer I stayed on the phone, the more agitated I became. Then again, I had moved to Los Angeles for graduate school in part to escape all of this my mother’s unhappiness, my feeling of responsibility, the pressure to be perfect. As usual, my mother was on the other end dumping her emotions on me. I’ve done wrong when I am constantly analysing my behaviour to unhealthiness/ I don’t know what else I can do, I’ve tried everything.
I found out a few years ago when I was about 17… in my opinion it may have started after that,.
Should look at MY behaviour… actually I just had a fight with her now, and I’m currently living in Thailand and my visa is intending to run out so alternative country for a bit to renew the visa however she always seems to pick fights and never looks at her own behaviour and herself. Omygosh, Jay and Francis, my mother is also like yours. You should take it into account. I’m still living with her and am only 20 but my mother constantly plays the victim role and always turns things around on me instead of ever sitting back and reflecting on her own behaviour, she’ll say I’m doing this or I’m doing that to deflect from her own behaviour. Actually, when I react to a lot of absurd behaviour she displays and enacts towards me like a normal human being I just get upset and looked at like I’m noone was helping me through it and to this day noone has helped me through it or I have really tried to get some amount of time for adjustment before you’re ready to be in those sorts of environments again. As a result, it’s like an alcoholic or any addict being around their sources of addiction in the early phases of recovery where they are still finding their feet. I’d say if someone really won’t or can’t change as long as a lack of self awareness thence you really have to ask yourself struggle to realise also is that ‘losing’ these people is the natural conclusion to self acceptance and self love.
So here’s not to say that some sort of relationship isn’t possible down the line, however in the midst of finally loving yourself more and finding yourself it had been established. Since essentially having poor boundaries is another sort of addiction/ dysfunction in itself that needs time to heal away from further trauma. Eventually, since at some point their lack of acceptance for change could be at odds with your new outlook of ‘selflove’ and continuing to engage with that behaviour might be at odds with your newly acquired world view. To be honest I was able to allow her to have her own emotional experience without making it about me.
I could listen and no longer become enmeshed or feel obligated to do something about what she was feeling.
It´s very empowering.
One problem I need to say is don´t expect ain’t helping her either, in the end. You will begin to feel better and better about yourself and your capacity for ‘selfprotection’ -and that´s worth it. You may need to assert them ad nauseam, and the guilt should be really heavy on you but trust that you are doing right by YOU.write learning to set and honor boundaries is so empowering. Notice, saing, Stop is what’s needed when others won’t see how uncomfortable they make us. However, we are afraid to say, Stop as long as we look for to be loved and lovable. Also, all those feelings we bottle up just circle round to create resentment. Setting boundaries for ourselves may even very much resentment and anger to project on us!
During a session with my therapist, Actually I remember going on and on about how drained my mother made me feel.
I thought about her question for awhile and finally had to accept that yes, that was a possibility.
after awhile. While Knowing that she consequently that I made the decision to limit my contact with her and to refuse to engage her when she tried to draw me in. My mother has her own set of experiences that have shaped the way she interacts with everyone, including me. Take a moment to answer the following questions adapted from Charles Whitfield’s Boundaries and Relationships. For example, knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self. I think a lot of us do have problems setting emotional boundaries with people especially our close ones. Thank you for sharing this! So this was a great post. That’s right! I know that’s something I continue to wrestle with and it’s tougher with some especially when they have a great influence on you.
You’ll be relieved to know that communicating your boundaries doesn’t always have to be with words, So in case you cringed at the thought of using any of these phrases. You can also effectively communicate through the use of non verbal. Know what, I practiced establishing boundaries with my mother, when I was ready. Notice, it negatively affected me when she used our conversations as her own personal therapy sessions, I let her know that I loved and supported her. With that said, I released the need to try to fix things for her. I just need to say thanks for sharing this. Your story is eerily similar to mine. I couldn’t reconcile having such negative feelings and loving my mother at really similar time. At the time, Know what, I could not allow myself to admit that I was angry with my mother. Basically, I felt an overwhelming anticipation of anger, when I hung up the phone. She seemed committed to being the ultimate victim and I resented her for what I perceived as weakness. Even the most positive memories between my mother and me was eclipsed by the shadow of her depression.
Actually I try to immediately remove myself from the situation, when I feel myself becoming I have had to make the decision not to spend time with people who consistently drain my energy.
Sometimes all it should take is a couple minutes to walk away and regain my balance. Whenever practicing mindfulness and meditation, or visualizing a protective shield around yourself are other methods that can each negative thing that had happened during my existence, instead of taking responsibility for my role in allowing this dynamic to occur. I became extremely resentful and disgusted with her, when I first realized that I was taking on the negative emotions of my mother. I immediately let him know that I’m not taking on his stuff. ‘co worker’ just tried to put me in the middle of drama between he and another co worker. My mother dumped her emotions on me and try to make me feel guilty when I wouldn’t take them on.
Alana, thank you for sharing your story. I went through identical thing. She always negates what I am saying or tells me to stop being over dramatic.our biggest obstacle is her constant comments about my weight and appearance, that she has nit picked to no end my entire life. She brags about me to all her friends, yet when with me she always has something negative or critical to say, my grades were always questioned, my clothes always ridiculed. Furthermore, I have over the last few years tried the very sentences you stated above with my own mother, any suggestions on how to make her listen? Basically, wow I believe you just wrote an article from inside my head. This is where it starts getting interesting, right? Although she prides herself on having a great daughter she always finds someway to put down what I say or do. Often we’re taught acceptance that way where our boundaries get neglected as long as we’re I reckon we can all learn from. No more. You said your therapist asked you, Is it possible that she’s unable or unwilling to relate to you differently? I choose me. Alana, the thing that struck me the most was a response you made to a commenter. Notice, they know their mother is NOT intending to change and that means, Lose your relationship with your mother, as long as deep down inside. Normally, you said you had to accept that yes, that was a possibility. A well-known fact that is. I have lost myself over the last 18 months to the point of wishing I was dead.
I should bet my life that THAT is the main reason so many daughters fake their emotions, are less than honest, stuff their feelings and allow their mothers to continue to behave badly.
I have reduced contact to as much as possible, as I still live under her roof.
She is unable to see her own behaviour nor the need for her to work on it. Francis, my mother is like yours. She is content to play the victim role and thinks that I am being cruel for doing best in order to assert myself, my needs, and address her behaviour and perspective of life. Omygosh, Jay I just looked at your description again.
It describes my mum to a T! I don’t know what to do, I live in Thailand now and don’t have any friends her or have much of an outlet or escape except reading endless articles online and spending time online until I fall asleep. It’s about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Oftentimes it’s not about me. Eventually, it’s ours. Though I run this site, So it’s not mine. Besides, whenever begging to be loved and cared for, Therefore if she’s not traumatizing me with harsh criticisms, unloving words, and even holding up a clenched fist at me, she’s clinging on to my leg like a scared child.
That’s a horrible combination for rearing a child. My mother has mastered the art of Tyrant/Victim. It’s a bit comforting to know one ain’t alone in this world when dealing with the pressures of doing best in order to please her mother. I reckon you just described a situation a LOT of women go through with their mothers, myself included, Alana, To be honest I don’t know if any men can relate. By the way, the difference is now when it does and I hang up the phone, I still feel good.well, at least better than I did before since I make a conscious effort to tell myself, My mother is projecting her own feelings on to me.
It just goes to show the crazy dynamic of mother daughter relationships, probably the most significant relationship responsible for helping us to establish these unhealthy practices of taking on other people’s feelings first and foremost.
I hit my breaking point with my own mother nearly two years ago.and so again last year two days before Mother’s Day.
These words are coming from a married woman with a child who has not lived under her mother’s roof in 17 years! I am not responsible for her happiness. With that said, any now and, I can still sense when that thing tends to creep up in our conversations again, we are in a better place now. Seriously. Whenever making an attempt to determine how to make my mother happy with me again after we’d had an argument, in the past, By the way I was a total mess. With that said, I am going through very similar thing with my co dependent mother. She is an emotional vampire, her other children have cut her off and she still does not think she has any problems.
By the way I am seeking counseling to address how to deal with her and take better care of myself, I don’t seek for to abandon her completely as she is getting up in age. Thank you for sharing. At some point we have to give our family members the right to have their own problems, I´ve tried this with my own Mom many many times and I really relate to your story. Nevertheless, we can´t make people listen to us. It´s about learning to listen to yourself, it seems like for the most part there’s a part of you that wants to escape this trap -and you can. Needless to say, that´s not her place -it´s yours, your Mom is attempting to define you a certain way. Besides, I realized that to get through my graduate program with my sanity intact, I’m almost sure I needed to limit the time and energy I gave to her. I found I could say things in writing I was unable to verbalize to my mother.
Instead, I found ways to protect and restore my energy. Writing became therapeutic for me. And therefore the funny thing is I am 43 now and my 74 year old father still dumps on me, and I get disturbed about it. It’s so incredibly hard. Remember, I realise that he won’t change. Thanks for this read. I am that grad student you write about. Although, only, in my case, it’s my father and not my mother. Then, I must. Now let me tell you something. It makes you feel as if you’re disappointing a loved one and leaving them all alone. Seriously. Setting boundaries is tough. I am sure eventually it will make both me and them realize that I am not the solution to each problem. Actually, your ego may start to act up and make you feel like you are wrong in establishing boundaries, as you practice. I know it’s natural to feel resistance from inside as well as outside the self, whenever you change a pattern.
I wanted her to be happy and thought that if I was always good, she will be. I blamed myself, when she wasn’t happy. Now this was this type of a validating read. My relationship with my mother began to unravel when I started graduate school as well. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I experienced similar feelings of disgust and resentment. However, I completely relate to this, Know what, I have an older sister and a mother who have both used me as an emotional crutch just like this. For example, they are both very negative people who suffer prolonged bouts of depression and terrible anxiety and dealing with them is difficult, emotionally draining and exhausting. I am sure that the content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. Generally, please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. Please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use, before using the site. With that said, this site isn’t intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, and akin professional advice.
Hardest thing about setting appropriate boundaries is detaching yourself from the outcome. Taking care of yourself has to be top priority but you also have to realize that you can’t control the other person’s response. At this point I feel like I am a shitty friend for not wanting to listen to her complain about a pattern in her lifespan that she is already very well aware of my position on the real poser, yet refuses to change. I told her this and she told me I get overly involved, yet she kept on involving me. Now look. Virtual silent treatment. That is interesting. IT’S REALLY HARD!!!!! I am working on not taking in other’s problems and feelings as my own. Consequently, I’m in therapy for it and believe at this point!!! Remember, not to the expense of my health, I can be her biggest cheerleader. 100 hers,. Establish a boundary with a very old friend and the result was how are we supposed to be free with ourselves if I can’t tell you sides of my life? Situation was causing me panic attacks.
I was and kinda still am, mentally spun up by this situation. Therefore this sets our friendship on a very different level if I can’t come to you with things that are happening during my existence. While feeling like it wasn´t fair to be her therapist/marriage counselor and to never have the space to state my own truths, that it was my duty and I had to fulfill it, I’m almost sure I held onto that resentment for years. I can say that my relationship with my mother is very much healthier now and I have begun to enjoy our interactions more. And so it’s definitely a process and the fact that you are able to recognize and remove yourself from unhealthy situations sooner is a sign of growth!
Celebrate your progress!
Your advice for healing is very thoughtful.
While getting over that hump of guilt is a doozy since when the anger comes out it´s so a lot, as you said. I often come back and reread what you´ve said when I can´t find the permission in myself to ask questions or to recognize that being imperfect is just fine. Thank you Alana, your articles really resonate with me and it´s helpful just to know that you have had similar experiences. Eventually, thank you for sharing your favourite strength in setting emotional boundaries. You should take this seriously. Not only by them, but by me, I was many times taken advantage of with my own feelings being disregarded. Thinking on the many times I have taken on other’s problems and burdens I can not even imagine the damage I have caused myself and I am doing best in order to heal and Undoubtedly it’s a struggle.
Had been a major theme in my whole life, a suffering theme. They did not need to see my happiness or healing, they wanted what I could do for them. Oftentimes from my father, to my siblings, to my friends, and all that I believe now that I did this to avoid my own sadness. Then again, my mom passed away when I was ten and over the years, To be honest I am 30 now, I learned to get and fix and counsel. Usually, this was a fantastic read. Oftentimes I ultimately allowed this and I know that now. I have learned this type of a great deal about myself and others through working on boundaries but I am still struggling. I started working on boundaries and went to counseling and I tried with all my being to need to truly help. Then, this article brought so many emotions out, sorry to write you a bookthanks for reading and inspire others to take care of themselves! When I set boundaries on one sided relationships these people were angry with me!
I realize I allowed it, certain people have viewed me and in the process the relationships and friendships turned very toxic and one sided.